Mind: Good morning. Have a green smoothie please.

Body: Ugh, no thanks. I don’t want a mucky green smoothie for breakfast. Smoothies aren’t normal anyway. Did we evolve to drink smoothies? No. Did they have blenders in the Paleolithic era? No. I’ll have a coffee please. Scrub the Paleolithic era comment, that doesn’t work here. Look, just give me some coffee. Black coffee.

Mind: Ok – how about a celery juice then? That’s a bit of a trend at the minute. It will probably change your life if you were to make me a straight-up celery juice, this morning and every morning for the rest of time. Something about salts pulling toxins out of your body. Something about that.

Body: A celery juice would make me puke. I’ll have a coffee. Black coffee. Lots of it. Whatever gets me through, right?

Mind: Sigh. Look, you’ll have to have something healthy. Anything. Will you take some of those chia seeds sprinkled over something?

Body: No. Can you put the coffee machine on? I just need a coffee. Like, yesterday. What time is it? 6.10am? That’s ridiculous. That’s too early. I can’t even eat at that time anyway.

Mind: A banana? Some blueberries with yoghurt and some crushed flax seeds on top? Ok, Weetabix. Even just Weetabix then. You can have it with real milk this morning, not fakey milk.

Body: For the love of all that is good in the world will you just give me a goddam coffee, make it strong, I’m knackered, I’ve been up all night feeding or tending to a small child or peeing. Just give me the coffee. NOW.

Mind: Alright, this is the last time though. Tomorrow I’m going to make you have that green smoothie. You’ve got all the gear, you have to use it.

Body: (Drinking coffee, triumphant bells play in background, angels sing Hallelujah) Thank you! Bless you! The day can begin! I knew I could count on you, Mind! Let’s do this again tomorrow.